I realized that although I have my faults, I like myself, only to realize that everyone else disappoints me…repetitively. Now I wonder what people will cheer…apparently they like gardens, so let’s do more of that. So, I don’t like myself. I tried to make a list of all the things I like about myself and all I could come up with is “I have pretty eyes.” I suppose one of the things I hate most is that I feel ugly and overweight. It doesn’t matter how much other people tell me this is not true as long as I believe it myself. The only person I will ever believe is myself, so until the day I look in the mirror and like what I see arrives—-i’m just stuck in this spot. I know that eating right and exercising are going to help me immensely in liking myself and I’m getting there so I hope this will all change. But, it’s not just physical either. I don’t like my personality. I avoid confrontation at all costs, I don’t ever open up to anyone, and I find it extremely difficult to talk to people—hence why it is so hard for me to make friends. If I could change one thing about my personality it would be to make me an “open” person rather than a “closed” one. If I can achieve this in 2007…I will be so happy. So i’m just gunna get this out and hope it makes me feel a little better. Truthfully i hate myself. I can’t find a single reason for people to like me, or for me to like myself. I’m always telling ppl that i do like myself, but that’s B.S.

I’m scarred from things people said to me years ago, and i’m still afraid of those hurtful things today, becuz they won’t go away. I can’t help but think of myself just as the names other people called me, or the things they said about me.

People don’t care about each other n e more. It’s stupid, and ppl act like total jerks just so they can be ‘popular’ or ‘cool’. Hate to break it to those ppl but it just makes them look like a$$holes! They have no right bringing ppl down!

Currently i have anger issues…becuz i can’t confront people when they make me angry…so the rage just builds…till eventually i crack, then i black out, and i don’t ‘become’ myself again until sumone stops me. I scare myself, and i scare other people, and i don’t like it…but i don’t know what to do. Im not looking for advice…i know wat i SHOULD do…but there are things that everyone doubts…mine just happens to be myself. I guess deep down, I feel I’m flawed, unloveable, undeserving of love, success, intimacy- all the good stuff. I know why I feel this way- my fucked up abusive family, negative school, work and social experiences which just served to exacerbate the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness I already had. I know on one- surface level- that I’m a good person. I’m strong, reliable, responsible, logical, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, loyal. I’m the one others turn to in a crisis or if they have problems. But they’re never there for me. And part of me feels that if I were more worthy they would be. And part of me feels that they’re just selfish, self centred fucks and I shouldn’t care.

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